Photographs of Asta Linea, one of the most beautiful girl I've met so far! She lives right across the hall at my new home. She is such a calm soul and I cannot wait to spend many more moments with her!
I’m standing in front of a tall building. I’ve packed my life in suitcases and in this moment I’m starting a new chapter of my life – and for a change I am aware of it. When my parents and sister hugs me goodbye I am about to scream. I’m so scared but still I’m feeling so incredibly good, so mature, knowing that I just moved away from my childhood home. They eventually start the car and drive away. I just stand there in my best-chosen outfit, watching them drive away from me… and the weirdest part is that I don’t mind. I smile, as the car passes a bush and they are out of sight. I am on my one, sharing this tall building in front of me with 111 other young people, though to me they are still strangers. Three days from that moment, I am able to call this strange place my home.
I live with three beautiful girls. They’re so different from each other, yet so much alike and I cannot do anything than love them much too fast. When I tell them they instantly say it back and I know right there without any doubt that they are family. My family!
It’s difficult being apart from the love of my 16 year old life. I think the hardest part is that I cannot tell him. We now live in different cities and I only see him every other weekend, tops. Sometimes I call A, a good friend of mine, and when he picks up I just say hi and he instantly knows what’s wrong. We talk, I cry, he makes me smile and suddenly everything is okay, suddenly I’m okay.
Days go by and I’ve found safety in people I’ve only known for days. It’s scary, I’ll have to admit, and there are times when I want to run into the wild, far away from change. But it’s too good to run away from. I’m not running away. I've found home!
Heartbeat. The only sound was a bunch of lonely heartbeats. They touched every inch of my body and reached my most secret inner thoughts. They were so deep that it did not occur to me for even one second that they might was not mine.
He was sitting right there so silent in his own world feeling every single chord and tone strike from his fingers. He was so deeply focused, so… intense. A side of him that is so damn wonderful, so passionate and so unbelievably rare!
When he is glowing from passion, it is as if I can see right through him. It is those seconds where I can feel all his energy fade into something real. Those intense moments where it is only him and me, with nothing more but a half meter between us.
The lust of touching him is so big, that I feel like I am about to explode. It will only take a minimal second to brush his arm… to feel his lips… mess with his hair – there, where all his thoughts is being kept underneath. Small nineteen inches is keeping me from catching my desires, to let go.
Five hundred millimeters, a half square of air, a wall, a barrier, a whole universe…
IT IS KEEPING US APART.
I am feeling this overwhelming emptiness inside of me. Burning, screaming. And even though, I do not know life or remember the future, I know that this is not how being alive is supposed to feel. So I run away to my place of hiding. I breathe yet again and discover, that I do not feel home in my own body. But for me, that is what it's like to be home.
I see children running around me, smiling and laughing, and I can't help but wonder, how many of them will turn out like me: Lost. I think of my brothers and sister, raised by the same man as I was. Or at least, that is what i like to think.
While sitting here, I secretly hope for someone to show up. No, not just anyone, someone particularly. Wanting him to see me and fall head over heels in love, as I did five years ago. For a moment I think about how it must feel: You, sitting behind me while i rest my head on your chest. A chest, strong enough to contain a heart with such a passionate beat. Allowing myself to look at you even when you look back at me, while the sight of your dark eyes, those two black holes, makes me fall in love with you all over again.
I feel my heart flutter when I am thrown back to this reality. I'd like to think that I, in this very moment, could just run away into the wilderness, exploring the world entirely on my own. I would feel the sun dance on my naked skin and the rain soak my clothes wet as I dance around. I would feel alive and I would feel home in my own skin.
I picture myself with a smile upon my face. To me, I look like a stranger. And maybe it is in that moment, the idea of sharing my thoughts is brought to life. And maybe, just maybe, that is what I am doing right now; bringing my thoughts to the life, I promise myself I one day will find myself exploring.